i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
