I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
