you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize