I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
