i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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