i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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