she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
