I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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