my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The beer is more important than you right now.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
