my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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