This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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