I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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