so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
