I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
