you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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