Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
