the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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