If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
