At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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