Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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