i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
