it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
