I haven't been this sober since birth.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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