i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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