Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
