My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Can you bring me the toilet please
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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