fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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