so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
