the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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