Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
