We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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