8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
