I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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