what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
