and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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