I skipped work to stalk him.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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