I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
His nipple licking is glorious
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
