All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
