Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
