very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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