So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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