and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just googled if crying burns calories
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize