Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
