ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
how does that bad decision feel?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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