She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
