i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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