Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
