Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She needs sedatives and a leash
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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