i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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