I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize