Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize