I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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