just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Randomize
