Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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