Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
