I cannot find my penis.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
