He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
