So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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