He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Sorry my hands just texted you
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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