don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
