she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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