I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize