You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
