so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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