the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
