took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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